Removing the Mask

Ello. This is probably going to be the last blog post I write so I might as well tell you all that my name is Kody. I'm sure that most of you had that figured out a while ago but now is the time to take off the mask as it is put in this case. Were also supposed to write about our true selves. Well I don't really know who I truly am and don't think that any one in our position really would. High School is a different experience for everybody and we all get different things from it.  Some people I know are going to be very successful from the skills they learned both in and out of the classroom. Others I just wanna go over and say yeah your doomed... Not only did you not do your classwork but you failed in so many other ways that you won't even begin to comprehend for another 10 years. Me is a good student, Myself is an OK student, and I is a bad student. Meaning that i'm one of the people in the middle.  Don't like the gray areas in life. But then again don't know what we would do without them. Some things have to be yes or no. Others can't be that way no matter what we want.  Then you decide you don't like that but your still stuck in the life you were given. Or was it the one you made for yourself?  Was it decided long ago by a person with a sense of humor "Haha this poor fool is going to go this way and do this but he will never know why. And lets make him like to sing so he gets made fun of. And make it so he has no social skills.  Ha this poor child won't know what hit him". Or was it when you got bored and walked that way but didn't know why? Maybe you decided for yourself that you like to sing so who cares what they think. And maybe you have no social skill because you liked to read as a young child. Or maybe that's what they want you to think. Like I said gray area. Of course there is always the people that don't ever think about this stuff and are just trying to get through life with a life that doesn't totally suck.  When was the last time you just sat and thought? Gazed up at the stars at 2 in the morning and just wondered. "I wonder this, I wonder that and I wonder why." Maybe you think you don't have the time to just sit there. Make time. This is one of the most important things in life.  Using your brain for more than just watching TV or listening to your iPod or your incessant friends that you don't really like anyway but you can't tell them to be quite cuz that is rude... I challenge anyone who reads these rambling thoughts of mine to just go out side and sit with no distractions for just 5 min.  Not hard and I try to do at least  15 min. a day 5 days a week.  People call me crazy but I have decided I don't care.

Random thought of a random person on: Shyness

 You know when you finally decide to not think about what you are going to say because no one else does so why should you? And then you run into the girl you like and she asks you a question and having decided that you're not going to think about what your going to say you then think about whether to think about it or not by and by the time you decide your not going to do that around the girl you like she sighs and walks away. you think "what is the big deal" then realize that she had just asked if you would kindly lend her your pencil...  stuff like that all ways happens.  This example was just an example. But after things like this happens you don't want to talk to anybody. A severe case of this happened to me right as I moved... That's why I never talk in class or to the random people that say "Ohhimynameissoandsowhat'syours?"  I never talk to those people.  My parents have yelled at me for years about not talking to people about how I feel. Of course in all their yelling they never stop long enough for me to say "but...I " and when they absolutely have to breath they yell longer and louder for interrupting them and how it's rude and no one in modern society would talk to a person like that blah blah blah over and over.  You know all the old people that go "Now sonny -  when I was your age we had to walk to school 15 miles in the snow barefoot up hill both ways". My life was full of all too many of those sayings. The yelling sessions had at least one of those in them.  These saying gain a whole new meaning when yelled in a car while going down the freeway at 75 miles an hour.  It goes from "look at me I'm a cute grandparent"  to "You'll never amount to anything so don't even try.  Oh by the way I think we might be related..."  Not that it has been given by a grandparent but that's the attitude if you get what I mean. If not then "Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave"(name that movie).  My point for this post is just to say that some of us people aren't very out going.  I went on a couple of tangents this time huh?

History and music

What I really love is music.  There is some thing good about all of it or there was at one point in time.  I've spent an hour listening to baroque then the next hour of punk acid as my Dad calls it.  I've been able to read music since I was 10 and I've been singing long before I can remember.  Not where other people can hear of course and never very loud I've always been way to self-conscious about every thing related to whenever I open my mouth.  I know the second I think I don't have to be careful about what I say or do I'm gonna mess up. But you can read about that rant on the other one I'm going to post this week.  Back to music.  At the beginning of the school year I was in a music appreciation class.  Ha... That's what they called it. The guy sat there reading from a text book half the time. The other half he spent playing random instruments and saying "now this is a quarter note..." Ugh. The guy had just graduated from Byu and thought he was the most hilarious thing ever put on this earth. Um no. That could go on another rant but I'm gonna stop it there and save that story for another time. The point I was getting at with the story was I could have listened to an hour of a radio talk show about the history of music and learned about as much if not more. What passes for education these days seriously... "sigh" well at least in music. Some of the types of music that I listen to on a daily basis are Renaissance, Classical, Baroque, Romantic, Rock, Hard Rock, Country, Pop, Opera, Musicals, Hardcore, Metal, Scremo, A capella, Jazz, Instrumental, Soul, Indie, Techno, Church. The list of musical genres goes on forever spanning thousands of years of extremely diverse cultures. Then those have all their sub groups and variations of each person that does it. If you'll notice I didn't put Rap up there. In my opinion they just dropped a "C" some where... If any one wants to educate this poor soul you're welcome to try. I fell the quotes below goes for all music.

Dreams

I'm supposed to write about dreams... dreams for the subconscious not your aspirations in life. I don't remember dreams that I have. I know that technically everybody dreams mine just don't want to peep out of my subconscious and say hi.  Is it really that hard to say "Ello i'm your dream and this is what i have to say on what you were thinking about at 4 in the morning before you went zzzzonk."  Some times that's all dreams are. Other times they are so much more than that. Least so i've been told.

The only dream I remember distinctly is me on a pirate ship type thing surrounded by random people staring at me and some old guy saying "very well. we shall go towards the sun." He turns the ship to to the sun and I see the ship go into the sun but apparently i'm not on the ship because I still sit there after they're gone/ Some times for a second or two other times it seems like an eternity. some times its like a falling dream. Nothing moves however. I just have the feeling of falling which I think is more disorienting.  This dream and variations of it are most of the ones I remember.  One of my earliest memories is waking up after having a nightmare version of this and not being able to get into my parents room but just sitting outside they're door for hours before giving up and going back to my room.  Didn't sleep for another 2 nights and only then because I collapsed from exhaustion.  I don't know how accurate this is or how old I was or specific details and i'm pretty sure my parents don't even know about this experience. I don't have very many memories before 12 and the ones I do tell me i'm very lucky that I don't.

Random thoughts of a random person on: Painting

You can paint so many things on so many different things with so many more random other things.  Painting a wall green then putting a painting of a waterfall on said green wall counts as an act of art rather than 2 random separate acts of art.  Well that is what my sister said at least.  She is a amateur painter but she gets paid so she must know something. She mostly paints on canvas but she's done other things.

We moved to the house we live in now about 5 years ago and the people that lived here before us had 4 girls and  a boy.  I tell you this so you don't die of shock when i tell you that my entire room floor to ceiling was bubble gum pink...with cute little floral wallpaper used as a border around the middle of the wall. After about a year of living in this torture chamber specifically designed for me. I probably took too much pleasure scraping it off for about 8 hours after my parents announced that we could paint it. They only decided that because she needed to do a final project for her painting class. I  had told my sister what she could paint about a month after we moved so she decided to let my crazy self go and work its self out. My parents being who they are they told me at 10 at night. Since I literally stayed up for the next 8 hours I was done at 5 and got in the shower then went to school.  I was still so hyped up that I didn't sleep during school. I finally zonked out at about 5 that night - well afternoon rather. I only went to sleep then because she said she had to plan what she was going to put where. The next day after school I moved all of my stuff out and put the tarp down.  She had to draw what she had planned now that she knew what she wanted to do. I slept on the couch that night. The day after she had to draw on the walls what she had planned.  I slept on the couch downstairs that night. The next day was sat. and we finally got to paint the walls! They are navy blue and sky blue I think. There are no shades of blue for manly men.  She then realized she had made a mistake.  She had just painted over her so carefully done drawings... We had to wait the next day for it to dry. She spent the entire next week redrawing and re doing colors. We finally painted on the designs that sat. I painted the walls for the tower black. she went over them later with dabs of grey and splashes of white. She then used a darker black (who knew?) to put bricks in. My room ended with this: a big purple and black dragon, a small yellow and blue dragon, a green wizard, a grey warrior with grey wings, a mountain range with a stream and waterfalls that to my somewhat dismay sparkled, a turquoise moon, a blue moon with a turquoise star, a sword that was half black half white, a tower around my window that was black, grey, and white. We then plastered stars on the ceiling. She got extra credit, I got my room de-girlyfied and my parents got piece and quiet. Now for the sad part. My sister moved out and I was pushed down stairs and my demonic little brother now has the room...

Random thought of a random person on: Tablecloths

Tablecloths.  Oh the joy of my mom forcing her creativity on all of us who set foot in her domain. Well her half of it at least. My parents basically split not only their bedroom in half but most of the other rooms too. In the kitchen my mom has the table and the wall/cupboard space while my dad has the chairs and the pans. they also use opposite sides of the stove but i don't think that's on purpose... Around the table is a mishmash of so many random chairs that only 2 match each other. There's a big rolling chair, 2 white plastic chairs, another white plastic chair with a different back and different color so that there is no way this white matches the other white chairs, a wooden chair so old and creaky its gonna fall apart any day now just like our old wooden table that fell in 3 pieces on 4 different occasions and is now rotting outside. In the middle of this random conglomeration of chairs is The Table. Its white and plastic but since this is my mom it actually bugs her unlike my dad. Mom being mom she decides that we need a tablecloth.


Mom and I were grocery shopping when she just stops dead in the middle of the aisle so suddenly that I run into her and the person behind me knocks me into my mom forcing her into the person running down the adjoining aisle. I don't even think she noticed. she calmly walks down one of those random side aisles that nobody ever uses and after apologizing to the 2 dazed people sitting on the ground I hurry after her.  She had found her table clothes.  the one that had caught her eye was a watermelon pattern that was all girly and i just said to myself  "Blast... here goes another 2 hours in the store..." I promptly sat down quietly and pretended I didn't know the random person asking for my advice.  The best thing to do when a girl asks for you advice is to give no comment. If you say yes she has to not like it, if you say no she has to like it. If you don't say anything your still in trouble but hopefully no one got offended. but of course she knows this too ( my sister told me) so since you think that she will act the way i just said she has to act any way but that way cause she has to do the unexpected.  But knowing your going to expect the unexpected... I could go on for a while longer but i think you get the idea.  Any way back to the story.  We ended not only with the watermelon but with Easter eggs, red/pink/white hearts, blue and green and any mixture of the 2 colors of 4 leaf clovers, and numerous others for not only the seasons, holidays, and birthdays but also random ones that you know so that you know that she is mocking you because she knows that you have no say and is going to enjoy every minute of it. Mothers are still girls after all.  That is why i am sitting in the off-white chair with the weird back typing on a table that has a watermelon tablecloth.

The real world

There are reasons to live in a world of fantasy. The main one is that life generally sucks. I am one of those people that just don't like to think about the real world except when I have to and I still haven't decided if this is one of those times or not hence the rambling.  My life isn't any harder than it is. Except when I make it harder than it is by going against the way of life that most people think is ok.  We are all human and make mistakes. some times I go the easy way and go with the flow of life. This is when i remind my self of a quote that my aunt has on her fridge "I never said it was easy, I just said it was worth it".  This has a picture of Jesus above the quote.  I don't always use religious quotes or quotes period for that matter but i think that the sappy girls that have their binders covered in so many quotes and you can't even see the color of the binder just outwitted me... Some are funny, some are inspirational, some are thought provoking.  But all have a way of helping you deal with life or the "real world". I tried to find it with a Google search but couldn't find it.  I found the one above and liked it enough to put it on here to share with you peoples.  So now you have a religious quote, a don't give up quote and the blessing of one more random person in the world who thinks that no matter what it is you can do it.  This too is the real world.

Embarrassment

Oh all the embarrassing things I could talk about... The list dwindles considerably when I want to stay alive after telling said story's  and dies completely when it comes to interesting topics so me story telling just went

kkkeeeeeeerrrrrrrrsssssppppppllllllllllaaaaaaaaaatt! (big smoke cloud)

 My personal story's are out too. Most involve girls and one, the other, or both of us would die of various causes. the most prominent cause of death would be embarrassment but there are also knife wounds thrown in there with arsenic and blowtorches.

Here's a mildly embarrassing kinda pain free story...

The first time I heard the phrase "that's what she said" I thought that it was a reference to the Shea - a mythical race of small fairy like creatures just not the cute and cuddly ones we think of. They liked casting spell on people and killing them. So I hear the phrase "that's what she said" and I think i'm gonna get a spell on me and die in the next 24 hours or so. So I ask the guy if he knew how to counter the spell and he gave me one of the strangest looks I have ever had. Considering my life that says quite a lot. I forgot the kids name a long time ago... He had said it in response to a conversation I was having with a friend of mine and said friend had to explain much to his embarrassment. The kid that had so rudely interjected then laughed at my face making me embarrassed and jaunted away with a hastily drawn smiley face on his back due to a sticky note that I had not placed there while he was conversing with his friends  about what an idiot the kid behind him was. Yeah they were such good friends that they didn't say anything about it as he walked away. It was his turn to be embarrassed when the teacher of our next class commented on what a lovely smiley he had attached to his back... I later found out that his so called friends were not embarrassed that they hadn't told him.

There is my embarrassing story with the word embarrassing used in it quite a lot.

Jealousy

The jealousy of friends, of random people, of thoughts of those friends or random people. Of people long dead. Or children smarter than you ever were at their age. Of course these children are generally socially incompetent so you take a vicious pleasure of taking advantage of them. Because of jealously. The jealousy of a girl of another's shoes or their boyfriend. The jealousy of a guy of another's skill at sports or their girlfriend. These are stereotypical and may not apply to all. But the majority of us get jealous of some of the most minute things. Were human and its a human reaction therefore most people - including myself mind you - do so but will deny it til' their grave. People are so different from each other that the most random people react to the most random things that you would never expect. Of course that is what they say about you. some times you don't even know that you are jealous until some one points it out to you and your so embarrassed that you are but you didn't realize it that you become jealous of the fact that they saw it and you didn't. These people are generally nice about it. If they're pointing it out that probably means that they care about you. Guys this is a big hint. If your jealous of one of your friends that's a girl going and doing some thing with someone else - not necessarily even another guy but of just her going for a girls night out- then you probably like her. Chances are she knows this and is waiting for you to catch the hint hence she is flirting with you in a round about way. Course this goes both ways. If your girlfriend is doing this to you then i'm just going to say one word "communication". Wow that was a long random tangent.

Stress

Ugh.  I have too much of it already I don't really need to write about it... At times i swear my life revolves around doing what will give me the least amount of stress. Unfortunately this gives more stress in the thoughts of "should I worry about it this time?"  Or "since I didn't do this now I should do that but that causes more stress than doing the thing that caused stress in the first place". I know that one shouldn't live in this vicious circle but funny thing about circles is they don't end. Stress is caused by the inactivity of the brain in changing to different circumstances. such as walking and breathing at the same time instead of sitting and breathing. Some times the stress is solely inflicted by yourself. Other times you have no control over anything what so ever. Other times one is influenced by the other.

Courage

The courage to do the right thing, the courage to think for yourself, the courage to just say no. There are many different kinds of courage.  You have the war heroes that risk life and limb to get their friends back home. That is courage. The audacity to stand up one more time and still spit in the devils eye takes the same amount of courage and will power I think. The courage to take the chance and just hope and pray that the girl sitting over there really does like you and isn't just teasing you. Different form of courage but courage non the less. There are problems of too much courage and not enough thought.  This is where the guy at the funeral says "i'm sorry but they died very courageously". OK great but they're still dead. Obviously this is a very extreme example but I think it shows my point nicely. Courage has to be tempered with wisdom, patience and humility. Some times it takes all the courage in every fiber of your being to just sit there and wait.

Fear, Death

It just makes one think of death. Even if your not it makes you think of all the people that are. Fear of the death of a loved one.


Fear, Death

Even though it will be alright
in the end
Death hurts even the strong
'til you can't cry
no more.
Fear in cases like this
might help you
realize what you have
so you can enjoy it more
right now.
Fear of the Death of not only body
but soul

One of my favorite poems

                                        

Drait-on  (French)
Abandon entoure d'abandon,
tendresse touchant aux tendresses...
C'est ton interieur qui sans cesse
se caresse, drait-on

se caresse en soi-meme,
par son propre reflect eclaire.
ainsi tu inventes le theme
du Narcisse exauce

Rainer Maria Rilke, form Les Roses

 The English translation by Barbara and Erica Muhl
Abandon surounding abandon,
tenderness touching tenderness...
Your oneness endlessly
caresses itself, so they say;

self-caressing
through its own clear reflection.
Thus you invent the theme
 of Narcissus fulfilled.

In addition to his vast output of German poetry, Rilke (1875-1926) wrote nearly 400 poems in French. He was born Rene Karl Wilhelm Johann Josef Maria Rilke in Prague. His childhood wasn't very happy. his mother treated him like the daughter she had lost after a week of life by dressing him up in girl clothes. His parents divorced in 1884. In 1897 in Munich he met the love of his life Lou Andreas-Salome and changed his name from Rene to Rainer from her urging that he needed a more masculine name. Go figure right?

Afraid

I'm afraid of a lot of things. Silly things as well as very real things. Silly things like the zombie apocalypse, the death of music and dance, gas explosions that kill my whole family but me. Things that should never happen. Then there's the real fears like the fact that we are all slowly dying, when my imagination that just goes out of control, deep water, well not deep water more like out in the ocean with all the fish and sharks etc... A kind of respectful fear for God and the heavens.  Fear of rock climbing, fear of being alone forever, fear of nuclear war, fear of the gray areas in life.

Creativity

Music is often more creative than most things out there. Every thing from baroque to heavy metal. I'm probably doing this wrong but i think music is creative so its ok. Some good examples are TSO, Peter Frampton, Beetheven etc. Music is one of the rare things that I think is worth trying to understand therefore i do my best. It plays a big part of my life. Bigger than it should most people think. But it ain't changing so ha. As is normal for me I really enjoy it and get basic concepts but I can't tell what key we are in... The practice of music is good. The writing of it not so much unfortunately. I really need to fix that. I can sing in the most random of languages with excellent rhythm, dynamics, shaping, notes, etc. Ask me to play any note on the piano besides middle C and "poof"  respect lost. So there is my goal. Work on music theory.

Intro

I chose the name specifically because it has no meaning for me what so ever. A friend of mine likes the name Terrance, j is an ok letter, and jones is like smith. just one of those anonymous names that people use.